View Full Version : ITT We Post SICK Jokes
My mate rang me and asked if I fancied going out to see The Killers last night.
Turned out to be the McCanns doing another press conference.
Oh this one is bad!
There once was a young girl called Maddie,
She had such an irresponsible daddy,
Snatched from her bed,
She's probably dead,
Raped by a Portuguese baddy.
This one made me lol hard.
My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big fucking red mark on her forehead.
shreal
03-17-2009, 10:32 PM
wow tw0 die
likepie
03-17-2009, 10:36 PM
lol
papi shut the fuck up
you obviously haven't been properly desensitized
When a man ejaculates, he comes at twenty miles per hour.
Which means it's perfectly safe to hit a child.
StinkyCheezeMan
03-17-2009, 10:39 PM
TANK
Has it ever occurred to you that maybe you are a paedophile, but you just haven't met the right child yet?
likepie
03-17-2009, 10:42 PM
omg rofl
seriously
cmptn
03-17-2009, 10:42 PM
yo i got pneumonia
My girlfriend said I've got the biggest cock she'd ever seen,
That's one of the benefits of going out with a 10 year old.
DeiZhu
03-17-2009, 10:45 PM
yo i got pneumonia
He didn't say ITT sick jokes post. He said ITT we post sick jokes.
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian recommends the Qur'an.
My daughter has reached that age where she is asking embarrassing questions about sex.
Just this morning she asked, "Is that the best you can do?"
Women are like parking spaces, normally all the good ones are taken.
So, occasionally, when no one's looking, you have to stick it in a disabled one.
I've thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year's resolution.
1024×768.
this was boring what the fuck
So Rihanna was beaten up by her fella, ella, ella.
Fuck you Zain and your shit American humor.
eastcoastdg
03-17-2009, 10:59 PM
Daughter: "Dad, give me 50 dollars to go shopping."
Father: "Suck my fuckin' cock."
Daughter: "No, seriously dad, give me 50 dollars to go shopping."
Father: "Ya want this 50 dollars or not?"
Daughter: "Yeah."
Father: "Well get on your knees and suck my cock."
(Hesitant at first, she realizes he's serious and beings sucking his dick)
Daughter: "UGH, Dad, your dick tastes like shit."
Father: "Yeah, you're brother wanted to borrow the car."
A' is the 1st letter of the alphabet and 'H' is the 8th letter, right?
9/11 = 0.81818181 = HAHAHAHA
Daughter: "Dad, give me 50 dollars to go shopping."
Father: "Suck my fuckin' cock."
Daughter: "No, seriously dad, give me 50 dollars to go shopping."
Father: "Ya want this 50 dollars or not?"
Daughter: "Yeah."
Father: "Well get on your knees and suck my cock."
(Hesitant at first, she realizes he's serious and beings sucking his dick)
Daughter: "UGH, Dad, your dick tastes like shit."
Father: "Yeah, you're brother wanted to borrow the car."
Hahaha
omg this one put me on the floor
Why are chavs like slinkies?
They have no real use but it's great watching one fall down a flight of stairs.
eastcoastdg
03-17-2009, 11:04 PM
How are women and tornadoes alike?
They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
I locked my keys in my car outside of an abortion clinic the other night.
It turns out they get really pissed when you go in and ask them for a coat hanger.
eastcoastdg
03-17-2009, 11:06 PM
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
How are women and tornadoes alike?
They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
Aha
Who says men can't multi-task?
I can fuck my wife and think about her sister at the same time.
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
aha
What do Gary Glitter and Napalm have in common?
Both can strip the clothes off a small Vietnamese child in under two seconds.
eastcoastdg
03-17-2009, 11:08 PM
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...
He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"
I lol'd hard over this one.
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...
He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"
I lol'd hard over this one.
haha
Another shit joke about cancer?
Oh goody.
What has getting your girlfriend pregnant and locking your keys in the car got in common?
Both problems can be easily fixed with a coat hanger.
likepie
03-17-2009, 11:11 PM
alrite i love all except the 9/11 one
thats not funny
95% of black males say they enjoy sex in the shower.
The other 5% haven't been to prison yet.
rob-beatz
03-17-2009, 11:13 PM
how do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?
aids
alrite i love all except the 9/11 one
thats not funny
I know man, a good friend of mine alsamad died in 9/11.... he really should have been wearing his glasses.
A girl is watching her father shower.
She points to his penis and says, "Daddy, when will I get one of those?"
He looks at his watch and says, "When your mother leaves for work!"
When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one fucking punch.
Spiderman is Just another guy who ends up with sticky hands after using the web.
What's the worst thing about being a paedophile?
You just don't fit in.
New car being launched in Portugal, space in the boot for a child. Its called the Renault McCann.
The difference between British and Americans
1. Your younger sister is annoying you
British - Tell her to fuck off and go write jokes about sisters on Sickipedia
American - Have sex with her
2. You get hassle at school
British - Grit your teeth and make jokes about minorities on Sickipedia
American - Buy a gun and go on a killing spree in the school
3. Your boss treats you like shit and keeps you working really hard
British - Look for a new job and write jokes about your current boss on Sickipedia
American - Kill everyone at the office
4. You check your bank balance and you have no money
British - Get over it (that's life) write some jokes about Americans on Sickipedia
American - Go on a killing spree in the bank
5. You wanna put a joke on Sickipedia
British - You try your best material and vote up other good jokes
American - Vote every joke down because you're a cunt.
Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
I've been playing online poker for about a year now. Last night my girlfriend told me it's either poker or her.
I think she's bluffing.
Apparently scientists have found female hormones in beer.
It's true: After 6 pints you talk shite and can't drive.
With the Strictly Come Dancing final on tonight, I've been wondering who will get knocked out first.
It'll probably be my girlfriend, as I want to watch the football.
So America got 9/11.
And London got 7/7.
Rating's don't lie, america.
We're much better than you.
My Girlfriend wants a white wedding. That's fine by me.
I didn't want to invite any Blacks or Pakis anyway.
Apparently, the Popemobile has 3 inch thick bullet-proof glass.
There's fucking faith for you.
I don't know why all the Americans are so excited about having a black president, Zimbabwe have had one for years and he's fucking shit.
A Paki went into a bar and asked, "could you recommend your finest port?"
"Yes," said the barman. "Dover, now fuck off."
How do you convince Americans to get involved in a war?
Tell them it's nearly finished.
I have C.D.O.
It's like O.C.D. but all the letters are in alphabetical order as they should be.
If abortion is murder, then blowjobs are cannibalism and masturbation is mass genocide.
Called Childline yesterday.
Unfortunately, they don't do deliveries.
I always knew Jade Goody was a racist but I think becoming a skinhead was a step too far...
Boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labeled 'LSD'?"
Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"
How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
My new Muslim Girlfriend keeps talking about a blow-job.
I don’t know whether to get my cock out or to warn London transport...
A blonde just texted me saying, "What does idk stand for?"
I texted back saying, "I don't know" and she replied, "OMG, no-one does!"
I was rejected at this job interview that I had.
Apparently, "gang rape" is not a suitable example to prove that you are good at working in teams.
Women are like squaring numbers.
If they are under 13, just do them in your head.
kurt_gerver
03-18-2009, 12:04 AM
What did one tampon say to the other tampon
Nothing. They're both stuck up cunts.
likepie
03-18-2009, 12:09 AM
A hillblilly is fucking his sister and she starts laughing
'whats so funny' he says
she replied 'you fuck like dad'
he says 'i know mom told me'
sicka
03-18-2009, 01:17 AM
What do abbo’s and cigarettes have in common?
They both fkn stink, come in packs of 25 and everyone wants them banned from public places!!
Dr Seduce
03-18-2009, 01:21 AM
So a 5 year old girl and her father are in the shower together and the little girl looks up and says WOW daddy, whats that? and he says well thats my penis darling, and she asks, well when do i get one, and daddy says, as soon as mommy goes to the mall...
kurt_gerver
03-18-2009, 01:50 AM
So a 5 year old girl and her father are in the shower together and the little girl looks up and says WOW daddy, whats that? and he says well thats my penis darling, and she asks, well when do i get one, and daddy says, as soon as mommy goes to the mall...
That one was on the first page, dipshit.
Dr Seduce
03-18-2009, 01:57 AM
sorry oct 08er newb, i dont study all pages of dg, i just contribute
opc0de
03-18-2009, 03:08 AM
Woah somebody just found out about www.sickipedia.org
c0ngR4ts y0
Jarvis
03-18-2009, 09:09 AM
whats black and blue,
cries all the time
and doesn't like sex?
V
V
V
V
the 12 year old in my basement.
jNerd
03-18-2009, 09:15 AM
My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big fucking red mark on her forehead.
LOL'd SOOO HARD :razz:
Jarvis
03-18-2009, 09:48 AM
I wonder what Elizabeth Fritzl's children are getting their sister for Mothers Day this year.
IdulZack
03-18-2009, 10:52 AM
[insert dead baby/mommy, mommy/aristocrat jokes here]
What is the best part about twenty-eight year olds?
There's twenty of them.
What is the best part about 10 year old boys?
You can roll them over and pretend they are 10 year old girls.
Dharp
03-18-2009, 11:19 AM
Fuck you Zain and your shit American humor.
I thought you were Mexican Zain?
likepie
03-18-2009, 05:49 PM
[insert dead baby/mommy, mommy/aristocrat jokes here]
What is the best part about twenty-eight year olds?
There's twenty of them.
What is the best part about 10 year old boys?
You can roll them over and pretend they are 10 year old girls.
close
Q-Whats the best thing about raping twenty-three year olds?
A-theres twenty of them
likepie
03-18-2009, 05:52 PM
If theres no grass on the field just play in the mud-
Zach Braff on sex with kids
So much left undone-
Zach Braff on the Holocaust
omfg.
this ishorrible.
but im laughin so hard
shreal
03-18-2009, 06:16 PM
The difference between British and Americans
1. Your younger sister is annoying you
British - Tell her to fuck off and go write jokes about sisters on Sickipedia
American - Have sex with her
2. You get hassle at school
British - Grit your teeth and make jokes about minorities on Sickipedia
American - Buy a gun and go on a killing spree in the school
3. Your boss treats you like shit and keeps you working really hard
British - Look for a new job and write jokes about your current boss on Sickipedia
American - Kill everyone at the office
4. You check your bank balance and you have no money
British - Get over it (that's life) write some jokes about Americans on Sickipedia
American - Go on a killing spree in the bank
5. You wanna put a joke on Sickipedia
British - You try your best material and vote up other good jokes
American - Vote every joke down because you're a cunt.
at least we leave the house, damn
BLUNTBILL
03-18-2009, 09:04 PM
Boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labeled 'LSD'?"
Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"
rofl best one
BLUNTBILL
03-18-2009, 09:09 PM
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!"
hippie
03-18-2009, 09:54 PM
lol
That one is modified IllWill, it is actually 28 :)
If theres no grass on the field just play in the mud-
Zach Braff on sex with kids
So much left undone-
Zach Braff on the Holocaust
Old enough to crawl, already in position.
Old enough to be 7, old enough to be eight.
What's the worst part about eating a vegetable?
The wheelchair.
likepie
03-19-2009, 02:20 AM
Q-whats black and sits at the top of the stairs after a housefire?
A-stephen hawking
likepie
03-19-2009, 03:07 AM
I have a friend whose son has 4 extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel event At the Ford Center this weekend in Beaumont, Texas, if anybody wants them ...........Let me know.
(Robbie is the son of Evil Knievel)
He's going to try to jump 1000 Obama supporters with a bulldozer. Should be a good time.
likepie
03-19-2009, 03:08 AM
WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of romaine lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
1 lb. package of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to checkout, a drunk
standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
"You must be single."
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the
derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single.
I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual
about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital
status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you're
absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly.".
likepie
03-19-2009, 03:15 AM
WHO AM I?
I was raised in one country but my father was born in another. I was not his only child. He fathered several children with a number of women. I became very close to my mother because my father showed little interest in me.
Then my mother died at an early age from cancer. Later in life, questions arose over my real name. My birth records were sketchy and no one was able to produce a reliable birth certificate.
I grew up practicing one faith, but converted to Christianity because this was widely accepted in my country. But I practiced non-traditional beliefs and did not follow mainstream Christianity.
I worked and lived among lower-class people as a young adult before I decided it was time to get serious about my life and I embarked on a new career. I wrote a book about my struggles growing up. It was clear to those who read my memoirs that I had difficulties accepting that my father abandoned me as a child.
I became active in local politics when I was in my 30's and then burst onto the scene as a candidate for national office when I was in my 40s.
I had a virtually non-existent resume, very little work history, and no experience in leading a single organization. Yet I was a powerful speaker who managed to draw incredibly large crowds during my public appearances.
At first, my political campaign focused on my country's foreign policy. I was critical of my country in the last war. But what launched my rise to national prominence were my views on the country's economy.
I had a plan on how we could do better. I knew which group was responsible for getting us into this mess. Mine was a peoples campaign.
I was the surprise candidate because I emerged from outside the traditional path of politics and was able to gain widespread popular support.
I offered the people the hope that together we could change our country and the world.
I spoke on behalf of the downtrodden including persecuted minorities such as Jews, but my actual views were not widely known until after I became my nations leader.
However, anyone could have easily learned what I really believed if they had simply read my writings and examined those people I associated with.
But they did not.
Then I became the most powerful man in the world. And the world learned the truth.
Who am I? --
Scroll down for the answer...
ADOLF HITLER!
WHO WERE YOU THINKING IT DESCRIBED?
I lost my virginity to a retarded girl last night... I wanted my first time to be special.
mymilkissour
03-21-2009, 08:21 AM
Daughter: "Dad, give me 50 dollars to go shopping."
Father: "Suck my fuckin' cock."
Daughter: "No, seriously dad, give me 50 dollars to go shopping."
Father: "Ya want this 50 dollars or not?"
Daughter: "Yeah."
Father: "Well get on your knees and suck my cock."
(Hesitant at first, she realizes he's serious and beings sucking his dick)
Daughter: "UGH, Dad, your dick tastes like shit."
Father: "Yeah, you're brother wanted to borrow the car."
yo man you stole my joke i posted this in an older joke thread but it was better u ruined it
and it's my joke i came up with it
yoyoyo
O.o nice......that provoked a few Lulz.
IdulZack
03-21-2009, 10:19 AM
WHO WERE YOU THINKING IT DESCRIBED?
Obama
A jew a nigger and a mexican jump off a building, who hits the ground first?
WHO CARES!!?!
likepie
03-21-2009, 10:44 PM
One Necrophile asks another,"Hey you still seeing the same girl?"
The second replies, "Nah, the rotten bitch split on me."
okay theres this trucker, and hes delivering these bowling balls in his trailer hitch. as hes driving, he hits a large bumb in the road causing one of the bowling balls to break(included later on). as he keeps driving he realizes he needs gas so he pulls over to a gass station. after hes done he checks to see if the bowling balls are fine. he sees one is broken, but he thinks nothing of it. then he goes inside to pay for gas. but he forgets to lock the trailer hitch. as hes inside a young black boy that just ran away from home is riding his bike down the road and he sees the doors to the trailer hitch wide open. so he puts his bike in, jumps in the back, and closes the doors. after this happens the trucker finishes paying and proceeds with the delivery. as he keeps driving down the road, a cop pulls him over. once hes along the side of the road, the cop walks over. now this trucker is a little confused that he'd be pulled over so he asked the police officer, "was i speeding?" the officer shakes his head and says "no, you just passed the weighing gadge, im gonna have to check whats in the back of that trailer hitch of yours." so the trucker simply gives him the key to the trailer hitch. the officer walks over to the trailer hitch and unlocks the doors. once he opens them, he sees a broken bowling ball, a black boy, and a bike. the officer was frightened after he saw this. so he quickly picks up his walky talkie and screams, "HOLY SHIT, WE GOT A TRUCK FULL OF BLACK NIGGER EGGS, ONE OF THEM JUST HATCHED, AND HE ALREADY STOLE A BIKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
who do michael jackson and a silver medalist have in common?
they both came in a little behind
You hear about the new car made in Israel?
Not only can it stop on a dime, it will go back and pick it up.
What is the worst 3 years of a niggers life?
First grade.
Why don't spics have barbeques?
The beans keep falling through the grill.
There is a nigger and a spic in a car, who's driving?
The cop.
Why are niggers like sperm?
Only one in a million actually work.
How do you fit 100 Cubans in a shoe box?
Tell them its a raft.
What can a pizza do that a nigger can't?
Feed a family of four.
Did you hear about the new Chap Stick for niggers?
It comes in a spray can.
What do you do if you run over a nigger?
Reverse.
What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead nigger in the road?
The dead dog has skid marks in front of it.
What happened when the Ethiopian fell in the crocodile pit?
He ate six crocs before they could pull him out.
What did Hellen Keller name her dog?
HURRRRRRRR
A black kid and his mom are in the kitchen baking a cake, the kid sees some flour on the table. He tosses it on his face and says "Mom look, I'm white!". She slaps him, and tells him to go to his dad. His dad reacts the same, but adding in a belt whooping as well. His father tells him to go show his grandmother, who also hits the boy. She tells him to go back to his mother. When the boy goes back into the kitchen his mom slaps him again and asks him, "So have you learned anything yet?"; the boy says, "Yeah, I've been a white person for three minutes and I already hate black people!"
How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowplow?
Hand her a shovel.
how do you stop a nigger from drowning?
take your foot off the back of his head
how do you get a nigger down from a tree?
cut the rope
why do jews have big noses?
air is free
whats the difference between a canoe and a jew
canoes sometimes tip
a black man was shot 52 times in texas. the sheriff said it was the worst case of suicide hes ever seen.
what the difference between a nigger and a pile of shit?
the shit will eventually stop smelling.
why do niggers stink?
so blind people can hate them too.
what do niggers get for christmas?
your bike.
why dont niggers play in the sandbox?
cats keep covering them up.
what do you call a black guy on a bike?
a thief
ps i not racist just found these elsewhere
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