ITT We Post SICK Jokes

**raT** · 03-17-2009, 10:24 PM

My mate rang me and asked if I fancied going out to see The Killers last night.
Turned out to be the McCanns doing another press conference.

**raT** · 03-17-2009, 10:25 PM

Oh this one is bad!

There once was a young girl called Maddie,
She had such an irresponsible daddy,
Snatched from her bed,
She's probably dead,
Raped by a Portuguese baddy.

**raT** · 03-17-2009, 10:27 PM

This one made me lol hard.

My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big fucking red mark on her forehead.

**shreal** · 03-17-2009, 10:32 PM

wow tw0 die

**likepie** · 03-17-2009, 10:36 PM

lol

papi shut the fuck up
you obviously haven't been properly desensitized

**raT** · 03-17-2009, 10:38 PM

When a man ejaculates, he comes at twenty miles per hour.
Which means it's perfectly safe to hit a child.

**StinkyCheezeMan** · 03-17-2009, 10:39 PM

TANK

**raT** · 03-17-2009, 10:42 PM

Has it ever occurred to you that maybe you are a paedophile, but you just haven't met the right child yet?

**likepie** · 03-17-2009, 10:42 PM

omg rofl

seriously

**cmptn** · 03-17-2009, 10:42 PM

yo i got pneumonia

**raT** · 03-17-2009, 10:44 PM

My girlfriend said I've got the biggest cock she'd ever seen,
That's one of the benefits of going out with a 10 year old.

**DeiZhu** · 03-17-2009, 10:45 PM

Originally Posted by cmptn

yo i got pneumonia

He didn't say ITT sick jokes post. He said ITT we post sick jokes.

**raT** · 03-17-2009, 10:45 PM

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian recommends the Qur'an.

**raT** · 03-17-2009, 10:46 PM

My daughter has reached that age where she is asking embarrassing questions about sex.
Just this morning she asked, "Is that the best you can do?"

**raT** · 03-17-2009, 10:47 PM

Women are like parking spaces, normally all the good ones are taken.
So, occasionally, when no one's looking, you have to stick it in a disabled one.

**raT** · 03-17-2009, 10:48 PM

I've thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year's resolution.
1024×768.

**Zain** · 03-17-2009, 10:50 PM

this was boring what the fuck

**raT** · 03-17-2009, 10:58 PM

So Rihanna was beaten up by her fella, ella, ella.

**raT** · 03-17-2009, 10:58 PM

Fuck you Zain and your shit American humor.

**eastcoastdg** · 03-17-2009, 10:59 PM

Daughter: "Dad, give me 50 dollars to go shopping."
Father: "Suck my fuckin' cock."
Daughter: "No, seriously dad, give me 50 dollars to go shopping."
Father: "Ya want this 50 dollars or not?"
Daughter: "Yeah."
Father: "Well get on your knees and suck my cock."
(Hesitant at first, she realizes he's serious and beings sucking his dick)
Daughter: "UGH, Dad, your dick tastes like shit."
Father: "Yeah, you're brother wanted to borrow the car."

**raT** · 03-17-2009, 11:00 PM

A' is the 1st letter of the alphabet and 'H' is the 8th letter, right?
9/11 = 0.81818181 = HAHAHAHA

**raT** · 03-17-2009, 11:01 PM

Originally Posted by eastcoastdg

Daughter: "Dad, give me 50 dollars to go shopping."
Father: "Suck my fuckin' cock."
Daughter: "No, seriously dad, give me 50 dollars to go shopping."
Father: "Ya want this 50 dollars or not?"
Daughter: "Yeah."
Father: "Well get on your knees and suck my cock."
(Hesitant at first, she realizes he's serious and beings sucking his dick)
Daughter: "UGH, Dad, your dick tastes like shit."
Father: "Yeah, you're brother wanted to borrow the car."

Hahaha

**raT** · 03-17-2009, 11:02 PM

omg this one put me on the floor

Why are chavs like slinkies?
They have no real use but it's great watching one fall down a flight of stairs.

**eastcoastdg** · 03-17-2009, 11:04 PM

How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

**raT** · 03-17-2009, 11:05 PM

I locked my keys in my car outside of an abortion clinic the other night.
It turns out they get really pissed when you go in and ask them for a coat hanger.

**eastcoastdg** · 03-17-2009, 11:06 PM

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

**raT** · 03-17-2009, 11:07 PM

Originally Posted by eastcoastdg

How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

Aha

Who says men can't multi-task?
I can fuck my wife and think about her sister at the same time.

**raT** · 03-17-2009, 11:07 PM

Originally Posted by eastcoastdg

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

aha

**eastcoastdg** · 03-17-2009, 11:08 PM

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

I lol'd hard over this one.

**raT** · 03-17-2009, 11:08 PM

What do Gary Glitter and Napalm have in common?
Both can strip the clothes off a small Vietnamese child in under two seconds.

**raT** · 03-17-2009, 11:09 PM

Originally Posted by eastcoastdg

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

I lol'd hard over this one.

haha

**raT** · 03-17-2009, 11:11 PM

Another shit joke about cancer?
Oh goody.

**raT** · 03-17-2009, 11:11 PM

What has getting your girlfriend pregnant and locking your keys in the car got in common?
Both problems can be easily fixed with a coat hanger.

**likepie** · 03-17-2009, 11:11 PM

alrite i love all except the 9/11 one

thats not funny

**raT** · 03-17-2009, 11:12 PM

95% of black males say they enjoy sex in the shower.
The other 5% haven't been to prison yet.

**rob-beatz** · 03-17-2009, 11:13 PM

how do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?
aids

**raT** · 03-17-2009, 11:13 PM

Originally Posted by likepie

alrite i love all except the 9/11 one

thats not funny

I know man, a good friend of mine alsamad died in 9/11.... he really should have been wearing his glasses.

**raT** · 03-17-2009, 11:14 PM

A girl is watching her father shower.
She points to his penis and says, "Daddy, when will I get one of those?"
He looks at his watch and says, "When your mother leaves for work!"

**raT** · 03-17-2009, 11:15 PM

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one fucking punch.

**raT** · 03-17-2009, 11:15 PM

Spiderman is Just another guy who ends up with sticky hands after using the web.

**raT** · 03-17-2009, 11:18 PM

What's the worst thing about being a paedophile?
You just don't fit in.

**raT** · 03-17-2009, 11:19 PM

New car being launched in Portugal, space in the boot for a child. Its called the Renault McCann.

**Nore** · 03-17-2009, 11:19 PM

worst thread of the week

**raT** · 03-17-2009, 11:20 PM

The difference between British and Americans

1. Your younger sister is annoying you

British - Tell her to fuck off and go write jokes about sisters on Sickipedia

American - Have sex with her

2. You get hassle at school

British - Grit your teeth and make jokes about minorities on Sickipedia

American - Buy a gun and go on a killing spree in the school

3. Your boss treats you like shit and keeps you working really hard

British - Look for a new job and write jokes about your current boss on Sickipedia

American - Kill everyone at the office

4. You check your bank balance and you have no money

British - Get over it (that's life) write some jokes about Americans on Sickipedia

American - Go on a killing spree in the bank

5. You wanna put a joke on Sickipedia

British - You try your best material and vote up other good jokes

American - Vote every joke down because you're a cunt.

**raT** · 03-17-2009, 11:21 PM

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

**raT** · 03-17-2009, 11:25 PM

I've been playing online poker for about a year now. Last night my girlfriend told me it's either poker or her.
I think she's bluffing.

**raT** · 03-17-2009, 11:26 PM

Apparently scientists have found female hormones in beer.
It's true: After 6 pints you talk shite and can't drive.

**raT** · 03-17-2009, 11:27 PM

With the Strictly Come Dancing final on tonight, I've been wondering who will get knocked out first.
It'll probably be my girlfriend, as I want to watch the football.